If you never have the courage to lose sight of the shore, you'll never end up stranded in a giant, floating toilet bowl.

Welcome to the World’s Biggest, Floating Toilet Bowl

The Carnival Triumph has great news for families, particularly if your family is the Norovirus strain of the Caliciviridae family!  Because thanks to the perseverance of the Carnival cruise ship Triumph, which refused to allow its recent history of mechanical failures to stop it from setting out on another scenic cruise of the Gulf of Mexico, you’ve just hit the jackpot!

Yes, if you’re a single-strand RNA, non-enveloped virus that causes projectile vomiting AND watery diarrhea, then you’ll be DELIGHTED to learn that your recent scenic Gulf of Mexico cruise on board the majestic Triumph has turned into an embarrassment of riches, one for the ages! Triumph, indeed!

Oh sure, your family already delighted in the joys of ocean cruises. With so many small pools crammed with shoulder-to-shoulder children all far too lazy to get up and use a toilet, how could a chlorine-resistant virus like you not?

But for those of you lucky enough to depart on the most recent Triumph expedition, which suffered a power-killing engine fire last Sunday, well, you’ve hit The Trip to Bountiful- one that future generations of your family to come will speak of with envy and awe.

Aw- who are we kidding? Those future generations of norovirus babies are already being born by the billions! They’ll be relishing in the delights of causing your terrified hosts debilitating puke geysers and keister-tastic ocean sprays right along side with you. And so will their kids! And their kids’ kids. And so on, and so on, and so on!

Perhaps you’ll find yourself taking a romantic stroll through the small intestines of young newlywed couple from Texas as you help ensure THEIR honeymoon is one they’ll never forget!  Or maybe you’ll be lucky enough to find yourself causing acute gastroenteritis within the surely fertile digestive tracts of 500 McDonald’s employees on a team building trip! Forget about trust falls! Nothing fosters fraternity amongst coworkers like being doubled-over in agony while unable to control ones bowels! Talk about team building!

Those of you with networking ambitions, hoping perhaps for a chance to hobnob within the innards of Carnival CEO Micky Arison, will perhaps be a bit disappointed to learn that, while thousands of Carnival passengers (i.e. your newly-delighted hosts) are stranded within the world’s biggest, floating toilet bowl (i.e. your Valhalla), he’s unfortunately unable to attend. Due to a prior engagement of watching his personal basketball team set new sports records, he was unable to attend. Maybe next time!

(Note to non-virus families on this cruise: Your mileage may vary.)

 

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