Get in the Ring

Last night on CNN an entirely reasonable, some might even say “dull” (sniff) debate took place between one of the world’s most respected journalists and some limey guy.  But who would win in the forum that truly measures the merit of a man, The Boxing Ring?


Why are we even asking this presumably absurd question?  Because in the course of the entirely reasonable, some might even say “dull” (sniff) debate, the world’s most respected journalist petitioned the aformentioned limey to GET IN THE RING.

ALEX JONES: You’re a hatchet man for the New World Order! You’re a hatchet man! And I’m going to say this right here. You think you’re a tough guy? Have me back with a boxing ring out here and I’ll wear red, white and blue and you can wear your, your Jolly Roger.

PIERS MORGAN: (Sniff) Let’s try this again.

ALEX JONES: Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Now, were Alex Jones born north of the Mason/Dixon line, the duelist-gentleman’s protocol would’ve first required him to formally issue the challenge via cheek slap while wearing a white, preferably lacy glove. But as befits a fiftieth-generation Texan and descendent of those who fought against the crossing-dressing Mexican tyrant Santa Anna, Jones engaged in the verbal equivalent and honor has not been sullied.

So, let’s size up the competitors in this theoretical match-up, and pray fervently that Morgan preserves his dignity by eventually responding to the challenge.

This is a photoretouch.

First up, Piers Morgan:

Age: 47
Birthplace: Guildford (sniff), England
Height: 6 ft. 1 inch
Weight: 185 lbs. (estimated)
Net Worth: $20 million
Reach: 332,000 viewers
Rated at: Intellectual Lightweight
Nicknames:Piers Moron“, “Charlie Potatoes”
Greatest Strength: Utter lack of shamelessness.
Greatest Weakness: Facts.
Record: Chickened-out of a fight challenge by Ian Hislop. Watered by Jeremy Clarkson on the last flight of the Concorde. Won the famed “Christmas Day Twitter-follower War” against Alan Sugar. Was awarded with hot new trophy wife after his knock-out battle with Marion Shalloe.

These guns are REAL.

And in this corner, Alex Jones:

Age: 38
Birthplace: Dallas, Texas
Height: 5 ft. 10 inch
Weight: Just a wee-bit on the heavy-side
Net Worth: $5 million
Reach: 346,008 Youtube subscribers
Rated at: Was Featherweight (pictured). Now Heavyweight (bigtime)
Nicknames:The Voice of Reason“, “Guns”
Greatest Strength: Utter lack of shamelessness.
Greatest Weakness: Tex-Mex.
Record: Totally BUTT-SMOKED David Icke by calling him “a turd in the punchbull” (later recanted). Totally knocked-out David Gergen in the famed “Bohemian Bout“. Trounced a British caller on UK SportsRadio by bullying him with the worst cockney accent since Dick Van Dyke sang “Chim Chim Cher-ee” .

So, if and when Piers Morgan nuts up and accepts Alex Jones’ entirely-reasonable challenge to don his jolly roger trunks and knock-the-battery-off-his-shoulder, who’s got the advantage?

On the surface, the pair are equally matched. Both have comparable reaches and love to fight dirty. Morgan’s height advantage is offset by Alex Jones’ weeeeee bit of a weight advantage.

Oh who are we kidding? It’s obvious. Alex Jones screams Piers Morgan into a bemused smirk, then swings wildly like a raging Goliath and completely knocks himself out. Incredibly, Morgan wins by default, just like he did last night.

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