The Pessimist’s Guide to New Year’s Resolutions

Don’t, okay?  Just don’t, man.

Every year at this time you do it.  As you once again find yourself shorter of breath, deeper in debt, and deluding yourself that you must’ve accidentally washed those pants too often in hot water because they just won’t stop shrinking,  you tell yourself the same lie.  “THIS YEAR WILL BE DIFFERENT.”

Yes, it will.  Because by the end of it, you’ll be wearing bigger pants.  That, or sterile.

We’d like to save you the inevitable heartbreak you so often set yourself up for by sharing some sobering statistics about New Year’s Resolutions and the Fools Who Keep Making them, right out of our utterly badassical new Page-A-Day calendar, “The Pessimist“.

  • 45% of Americans usually make New Year’s Resolutions, yet only 8% actually achieve their goals.
  • 38% of Americans refuse to make any resolutions and are 100% successful at achieving the goals they refuse to set.
  • People in their 20s are 2.5x more likely to achieve their resolutions than those over 50, yet are still most likely doomed to fail.
  • 24% of people fail on their resolution each year, yet still keep making them.  (These are the eternal optimists.  Avoid if possible.  Mock openly if not.)

Now, seriously, in light of these sobering statistics, there’s really only one proper course of action you can take.  Only one New Year’s Resolution you can make.

“Spare yourself the indignity of setting unrealistic goals you lack the discipline and talent to achieve and instead resolve to eat more, move less, and expect the worst in all people and circumstances.  You won’t be disappointed.”

See?  Doesn’t that feel better?  Can you feel the surging burst of ambivalence exploding from your no-no parts?  Don’t you wish you could get an entire YEAR’s worth of such brilliant pessimistic wisdom to keep you from falling prey to the wiles of optimism and looking like an idiot, once again, when stuff inevitably doesn’t go your way?

You can!  Our daily tear-off calendar, “The Pessimist“, is available right here!  (And rumor has it, you can save 15% if you use the coupon code “heregoes2013” when you order it.  At least that’s what we saw on RetailMeNot.com…)

comments powered by Disqus