It looks like we made it through 2012, and we’re just as shocked as you are. True, we spent months designing our 2013 calendars, but we didn’t think anyone was actually going to need them. We were predicting the end of the world months before every single one of your Facebook friends started making lame Mayan apocalypse jokes.
But here we are in 2013! So let’s take a
fond bitter look back at 2012, the year we survived in spite of our collective greed, stupidity, and poor, poor decisions.
January: It’s the beginning of a story that nobody in America ever got tired of, as the 2012 presidential campaign kicks off with a caucus in Iowa and primaries in New Hampshire, South Carolina, and Florida. Tragically, these contests resulted in unstoppable gaffe machines Michelle Bachmann and Rick Perry dropping out of the race, because I guess we’re just not allowed to have fun. And in Italy, cruise ship captain Francesco Schettino gives new meaning to the phrase “epic dumbass” after crashing his ship, and then fleeing to a lifeboat before all of his passengers were rescued. Seriously. Congratulazioni, Capitano Idiota!
February: The Greek Parliament reluctantly votes to institute “austerity measures” after realizing that their “entire country” was “broke” because apparently nobody there likes to “work.” Despite the fact that this was the only way Greece would be able to borrow money, and therefore continue to exist, about 100,000 protesters rioted and set fire to dozens of buildings. In America, Republican primary voters toy with the idea of nominating Rick Santorum, probably just to see the expression on poor Mitt Romney’s impressively square jaw.
March: International sex symbol Vladimir Putin is elected president of Russia, though his opponents alleged the election was fraudulent. Meanwhile, in America, where all politicians are honest to a fault, Mitt Romney fails to lock up the Republican nomination, losing important primaries to Rick Santorum, who, like Putin, is a lover of animals, and is quite possibly insane. And because it just wouldn’t be a month without one of our fellow Texans embarrassing the Lone Star State, “Sir” Allen Stanford, the pride of Mexia, is convicted of running a Ponzi scheme that defrauded investors out of $7 billion.
April: Eleven U.S. Secret Service agents are put on administrative leave after a controversy in Cartagena, Colombia, involving prostitutes. Yahoo!, which millions of Americans are surprised to learn still exists, fires 15% of their workforce; a shocked nation vows to Google the details of the mass layoff. And the Pulitzer Prize judges decline to give an award for fiction, presumably on the grounds that no novel published in 2011 was as good as not reading a novel at all.
May: Facebook goes public in one of the most disappointing IPOs in recent business history. Nevertheless, the company sticks around, guaranteeing you’ll never be able to escape family fights over stupid political issues. Newt Gingrich ends his fight for the Republican nomination, months after everyone in America assumed he had dropped out. And Beastie Boys musician Adam Yauch dies, because everything is terrible.
June: Queen Elizabeth II of the United Kingdom celebrates her Diamond Jubilee with a concert at The Mall in London, featuring performances by Lang Lang (?), Alfie Boe (??), Ed Sheeran (???), and Sir Paul McCartney, who is celebrating his 125th birthday. The state of Wisconsin fails to recall its governor, Scott Walker, who had become the target of…actually, we don’t know. We kind of checked out of politics after Herman Cain dropped out of the presidential race. Remember that guy? “Ubeki-beki-beki-beki-stan-stan”? Ha ha ha ha ha ha! He was awesome.
July: Despite a prediction by Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney that it would fail, the London Olympics kick off with a bizarre opening ceremony directed by the guy who made the movie Trainspotting. It goes…about as well as you’d think. And Kim Jong-un becomes Supreme Leader of North Korea, proving that the whole selection process was just a beauty contest. Rawwwwwwr!
August: Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney selects human Eddie Munster-Eddie Haskell mash-up Paul Ryan as his running mate. President Obama sticks with Joe Biden, who captivates the nation with a stirring speech that — nah, just kidding. He misuses the word “literally” for the millionth time and then curses on an open mike. And in Iceland, a young woman helps search for a missing tourist for hours, unaware that she’s the tourist who’s supposed to be missing. Afterwards, everyone has a good laugh and enjoys some fermented rotting shark.
September: Iran blocks Google, forbidding its citizens from using the search engine. A jubilant AltaVista announces, “It’s finally our time to shine!” The Democratic National Convention opens, but is widely declared a failure after none of the speakers lecture empty chairs. And Occupy Wall Street celebrates its one year anniversary, having changed the world forever by…uh…I guess they managed to…huh.
October: The final two presidential debates are held. Candidates from every party, both minor and major, explain how they’d deal with — what’s that? Just the Democrats and Republicans? OK. At any rate, most of America watches the first five minutes of each before switching to the episodes of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo that they recorded on their DVR the night before. And in Dallas, State Fair of Texas mascot Big Tex burns to the ground. Fair patrons learn that the only thing more frightening than a huge talking statue is a huge talking statue that is melting before your very eyes.
November: Nothing important happened this month. Especially in politics.
December: Despair, Inc. releases its brand-new 2013 page-a-day calendar, forever changing the world of humor writing and timekeeping. Congress debates measures that would prevent the country falling off “the fiscal cliff,” which is a made-up thing that nobody understands anyway. Happy New Year, everybody! 2013 probably can’t be much worse!